My Observation of Temporary Single Parenting:
Hubby is hunting.. he will be home tonight.. He has only shot 1 deer in the 19 years we have been together (is that what bow hunter call it – shot but not with a gun) . I asked him once why he likes to hunt he says he likes the quite of the wood, he never sees a deer. I think he likes to get away from us where it is quiet. ..Just a thought.
So hunting =sitting in the woods for 3 days = result no deer.
My husband helps alot, not with the cleaning but with the kids.
Something to be said when he was away the kids are easier. You think it would be easier when he is home 2 against one. Not for me when my kids don’t have Dad to go to they tend to listen better.. because it is only me.. Yes I am Meany or Tyrant .. but I become easy going mom..
I also find that I am better parent for the most part. I yell less and get frustrated less because I am not expecting him to pick up the slack.
Bedtime comes earlier, showers go smother, morning go easier less yelling. The dishes are usually done because no one else will do them.
I think of the Bill Cosby Skit..
Dad is great he lets us eat chocolate cake but..
instead it is
Mom is great she lets us eat chocolate cake.. I am more fun..
Life runs a little smoother.. because I am not expecting anyone else to help.
Downside
I am tired.. it is exhausting, I am use to having him here.. he makes me giggle.
Plus have to wipe the bulldogs butt.
Thank God.. He will be home tomorrow. I hate single Parenting
on the rare occasion that i have to single parent, the days leading up to it are filled with straight up fear and dread. our daughter is a tornado of giggles, eye rolls, silliness, and attitude.
but the day it happens, oh what a glorious day. because each time i remember that we are two single gals that are free to do as we please. 😉 We’ve never eaten cake for dinner but we definitely have fun meals and do silly girly things and just come and go as we please.
My husband is an awesome dad and I’d lose my mind without him. But its so much fun to be on our own from time to time.
I love the fact I dont feel like I have to make a big meal. The carefree feeling is great. I have longer talks. When she gets older go for the cake.. I also love the fact it is temporary.
As a single mom, I think the feeling of life running smoother without a “partner” present is more of a feeling of you having a good grasp on your efficiency. We all know how long it takes for us to accomplish a chore or finish a project. When there is another person or two in the mix sometimes our personal flow can be thrown off. I know now that I live alone I have adapted to getting household chores and responsibilities done in a pace that suits my schedule best.
Now having a partner does help in so many ways. Sometimes it can save time, other times more than one set of hands is needed. When you have a partner you get used to having that “help” around and when they are absent physically it can take a huge toll. I noticed this the most when after the kids are in bed I scrape up my last energies to do things like dishes, take out the trash, laundry, pack lunches, etc. I find myself on my feet from sun up to about 11pm each night. I have no one else to help me get it all done so I just have to do it; grin and bare it because, well that’s just part of living alone.
However, to me one part that really makes the difference between living without a partner and being a single parent is financial aspect. The financial burden is mine alone to bear for my household. The stress of dealing with financially running a household while juggling the physical and emotional stability is very different than being home alone. I have been a single parent living on my own with the kids for a few years now and this is the one part that I feel the most overwhelming and taxing, even more so than staying up half the night with a sick child.
Being a single parent is by far the toughest job I have ever had to do. All those business trips my ex-husband took was nothing compared to what life is like doing it all alone. I think what keeps me from feeling too overwhelmed is the sense that by doing my best as a single parent I can take on anything and not skip a beat. =)
Dana- You are a true Parenting Warrior being a full time single parent is crazy hard, You dont have that break, emotionally, physically and financially, I love your outlook I can tell you truly respect yourself and that will reflect so well in your children. I bet you say “I am good enough” often and it helps find peace that I can hear in your words – I wish more women had your outlook and longterm vision. The ability to be resilient and adapt is one of the best skills we can teach our children.
Sounds like you are doing a great job Mom!
Thank you Sherry…. its been a long road to giving myself credit and a break. In the beginning it was frightening. When I was married and my spouse would go away for a day or two it was scary then too but I had an endpoint in mind, a countdown to “relief” that kept me focused, cool, and collected. When I found myself alone and didn’t have an endpoint, I never knew if and when I’d have some relief from the stress. I remember one night when my mom had stopped by to keep me company (she had done so in the first few weeks of my separation), I had told her I was afraid I couldn’t do it all by myself. Her response was, “you can because you have to, and you will”. Those words pretty much helped me stay focused, and even to this day help ground me.
Sometimes its hard to allow yourself to cut yourself a break or even give yourself credit. Self-defeating thoughts can not only drag our mood down, but squash our ability to overcome tough challenges. I think once you can break yourself from that cycle, daunting tasks are no less challenging than the easy ones. I won’t lie, but sometimes I do feel crushed by stress and responsibility. Its those times that I vent by crying a little, repeat the mantra ” I can, because I have to”, and just push on through. … Sometimes I surprise myself and think “well, that wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be”, lol.
Temporary single parenting about describes at least the first 12 years of my oldest’s life, and 9 of the 2nd. No, my husband wasn’t a hunter, he was just WORKING! It was hard for me when he was on vacation or for some odd reason was home because I was used to doing it all and doing it ‘my way’ — and for some odd reason he thought he had a say LOL. Will never forget getting a call from my oldest’s middle school teacher asking for a meeting, why? Because my daughter had written in her journal that she didn’t think he knew she had disabilities. She was so used to me being the one who went to all the meetings, helped with all the tutoring etc. that she just wasn’t sure he knew. Not saying this was his fault entirely, more that I tend to ‘take over’ and sometimes it is just easier to DO IT MYSELF instead of bringing him up to speed on the hows, whys and wherefores. Hope your hubby snagged a deer, though I have to admit venison sure isn’t my thing! The one positive? He was great for running errands and having an extra paycheck sure helped! Our daughters would have had a different lifestyle if I’d actually been a ‘real’ single parent vs. just having an absentee dad at times.
Nancy- I am a taker over too.. I learned to let go.. When my son was younger I traveled a lot weeks and months at a time for work. My husband was alone with my son at 3 months old. I agree that my children would have a different lifestyle if I was really doing it alone.
I really appreciated Dana’s comment. I actually cringe a bit when a married person says they are “single parenting for the weekend” – my friends that are actual widows cringe when people use phrases like “I’m a lawyer widow”… I TOTALLY know what you mean tho – not having that person there that you count on – it’s tough. I feel adrift when my Mom is not around to help.
Dresden my post was not meant to offend single parents. I count myself as lucky to have my husband to help. The post is a reflecting on my efficiency and ability to be a better parent when he is temporally not there.. wondering why I cant be at other times. After 19 years I know I need him and in no way think that a weekend or several months is the same as being a sole single parent such as yourself or Dana.
I understand Dana and the stress of being the sole provider for my family because of our current finical state, and unemployment mixed with his healthy issues. My earnings are the only income and has been for quite sometime, so I can understand the not sleeping because of money- it is exhausting, I feel like we will ever get a break? I think we all have our own journey.
Sherry, I think about this a lot when my husband leaves early in the morning or leaves early for an Eagles tailgate. I’m just so damn efficient when it’s me and my daughter. You paraphrased my thoughts exactly!
I actually really enjoy solo parenting when my husband is away. I feel like there is less tension in my house (I hope he doesn’t see this! Ouch!). I am more fun when it’s just me and my son, more laid back too.
I totally understand. When you are use to a certain routine having the hubby leave can be frustrating and lonely. I am going through that right now myself. My only words of encouragement, and others have said this, is to enjoy the rigid schedule you may have when he is home and soak up every moment of not cooking! I’ve been out for dinner every night since the middle of last week! LOL.
I agree completely. Life if easier when you do things just your way but lonely.